From the I read about Valentines Day (or saw photos of Ashton Kutcher filming in a pink shirt at LAX), I had an inkling this movie was going to suck. When I saw the trailer my inkling was confirmed: not only would this movie suck, but I would undoubtedly see it ias some sort of act of self-flagellation (that horrificly catchy Black Eyed Peas song didn’t help either). So despite all the terrible reviews that flooded the Internet Friday afternoon I remained steadfast in my open-minded and forgiving attempt to be part of the zeitgeist. And not just any attempt- Jane and I went to the Friday night screening in Times Square.
There were tons of people, as we expected, and I have to wonder why, despite all the overwhelmingly negative press this film was getting, why was everyone going to see it? I remember thinking something similar when we saw He’s Just Not That Into You around last Valentine’s Day and although the line into the movie theater for that one was longer, it was only women. There were actually straight dudes going to see Valentines Day (or more specifically, Jessica Alba)?
Anyway, the concept of the story was cute enough, basically because it was overwhelmingly similar to Love Actually: an ensemble cast with an interweaving story and each person has their own little romantic vignette. The vignettes themselves read like practice scenes in a drama class: very simple. The main attraction besides it being a movie about Valentines Day on Valentines Day weekend are the stars. And let’s be honest: not all of them really qualify as “stars.” Julia Roberts essentially leads you on, what with the poster additionally screaming “From the director of Pretty Woman comes a day in the life of love.” I guess Anne Hathaway, Jaimee Fox and Shirley McClaine count as well but the rest of the cast are just popular names that are normally in the tabloids: Jessica Alba, Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Biel, Jennifer Garner, Bradley Cooper, Eric Dan, Taylor Lautner and fucking Taylor Swift who was the worst actress I have seen in a long, long time. The tabloids also fixate on these peoples’ love lives and in Valentines Day we get to see them romance each other (Taylor and Taylor were actually a couple). You see all your happy, familiar faces together in one movie (you don’t have to pay for fifteen separate movie tickets to see each actor in a film). And, besides Jennifer Garner and Ashton Kutcher, they each have about 10 minutes of screen time total. Everyone was over paid, particularly Julia Roberts who earned $8,333 for each second of screen time (she was there for six minutes).
So despite all the negative reviews, this movie is still on track to take the weekend box office top spot away from Dear John, which may actually be a real love story. That’s probably because Valentines Day has everything you would expect or want from a romantic comedy, which is also its downfall.
Stock characters
Lovable old people, lovesick child with absentee mother (straight out of Love Actually), professional woman whose primary relationship is with her Blackberry (the “thank God it vibrates” pun comes along with this), comedic best friend who is a most knowledgeable confidante ala Notting Hill (in this case George Lopez to Ashton Kutcher), many pet dogs
Popular romantic scenarios
Chasing someone through an airport, shouting a name in a crowd being followed by a dramatic kiss and cheers from bystanders, cancelled proposal, best friends who don’t realize that they are perfect for each other, trying to plan the perfect way to lose your virginity-only realizing that you want to wait
Then there are things that bothered me on a personal level:
Ashton Kutcher looks so young and seems so childish- two thirds of the time he was onscreen I could not get over the fact that he’s married to cougar Demi Moore. The other third I could not get over what an awkward onscreen pairing he and Jennifer Garner made for the same reason.
The way it was sprinkled with minorities: the Indian girl in class, George Lopez as the funny Mexican guy, Queen Latifah as herself
Patrick Dempsey playing McDreamy in Valentines Day- should he have even gotten paid for this?
That little boy. I don’t know why these ‘mature little men’ characters bother me so much. That one in Love Actually was my least favorite story even though his dad was played by fucking Liam Neeson! Also that boy in The Blind Side, ughh, so annoyingly not cute.
Skewered tribute to the military: Julia Roberts is representing? Seriously?
Jessica Biel. Period.
Taylor Swift- Just because she is the supposedly the hottest thing on the music scene now (which I will soon have to dedicate another post to, because I don’t understand it!) doesn’t mean you should put her in a movie, even if it is next to the ‘hottest new hunk’ on the scene. This girl really, really cannot act. Emma Roberts looks like fucking Kate WInslet next to her.
Then there are those things that I knew were coming and were silly but still totally embraced
Eric Dane and Bradley Cooper make pretty much the hottest gay couple ever
The old people at the nighttime movie that have only ever loved each other- that was the one scene where I *almost* cried
All the dogs
As for fun twists and turns, unfortunately the whole Bradley Cooper being gay thing was ruined by me reading it online a few days prior (I was duped like everyone else into thinking he’d be romancing Julia Roberts). But to be fair, I did not expect Roberts to be coming home to see her son (the annoying little boy) and not a husband. That almost made me cry to. And it’s interesting to see that even though she was extremely over paid for her very short time in the movie, Julia Roberts still takes up most of my critique. And she really does have an amazing smile. Maybe she is what they call “a real movie star.”
